where the ships of pine wood pass between the dark cliffs
by SweetandUnknown
Summary: "You are grateful you have not seen the black cloud again, but there is now a permanent weight in your chest. You wish Bo were with you because when she touched you, called you incredible, everything was lighter, despite all the heavy darkness inside that sits cruel and silent." — one-shot, Lost Girl, Valkubus, post-'Goundhog Fae'


Summary: "You are grateful you have not seen the black cloud again, but there is now a permanent weight in your chest. You wish Bo were with you because when she touched you, called you incredible, everything was lighter, despite all the heavy darkness inside that sits cruel and silent." —- one-shot, Lost Girl, Valkubus, post-'Goundhog Fae

Rated: T

a/n: I was thinking back on the last episode of Lost Girl and really wanted to know more about Tamsin finding herself. So I thought this up today at work.

* * *

**_where the ships of pine wood pass between the dark cliffs_**

Or if people thought they meant something, something they didn't really mean?

I would know what the wings were for.

And if you had them, forever—the forever, I mean, that is your life, you would still want them?

Yes, I would want them. I would take them, so long as I could fly.

_that I might fly away_

_ that I might fly away where the ships_

_ that I might fly away where the ships of pine wood pass between the dark cliffs_

- "Wings" by Susan Stewart

* * *

1.

_Close your eyes. You can trust us._

_I'm scared_. _What if I never get my memories back?_

_If anything, darling, forgetting might be best._

_I need them back. I just know I do._

You close your eyes and there's the faint smell of burning herbs and incents. You hear a melodic humming from one of the others in the room, and you feel yourself standing on the precipice of consciousness.

To stop yourself from lulling off to sleep, you open your eyes, but there is only darkness. The air seems to shift, so you see wisps of black smoke in the foreground of more emptiness. It burns as it seems to seep past your eyes, and you hear a deep voice saying nothing – just laughing, _mocking_ you.

2.

When you come to, you're still in the warm room of the Fae temple, the fire still crackling in the center of the room, unmoved by your latest recollection.

_Shhh, _hushes the elder, _It's okay, my darling._

You look around and see shock on other young valkyrie faces. You feel your wings begin to disappear, fold back into you, just as you discover that your sobs are the only sound in the room.

3.

Now that everyone knows you're fine, the other young valkyrie have taken to laughing at you. They call you the _Crybaby Valkyrie_. You just devote more time with Helga, the elder, who likes to remind you that you're allowed to put them in their place once you remember your past lives.

You are grateful you have not seen the black cloud again, but there is now a permanent weight in your chest. You wish Bo were with you because when she touched you, called you _incredible, _everything was lighter, despite all the heavy darkness inside that sits cruel and silent.

4.

You see brown eyes that cannot be yours, then blue that also cannot be yours. Fears fall to the background, and a humming warmth grows from your chest through your spine to your head.

_This is what love feels like_, you think.

5.

This is your last life cycle. Part of you pines for death more than a life of overwhelming darkness, but you continue to see brown and blue whenever you close your eyes. You can't quite figure out what it means when you find yourself yearning for bright lights in your dreams, find yourself outside watching the sunrise as if it will provide the answers.

6.

You scream. You fall from your bed as your wings seem to rip from your shoulders to free themselves.

_Tamsin! Someone call Helga! _cries a voice.

You cannot register the way your knees ache on the hardwood floor, nor see the tears pooling between your hands as your wings beat against the air. You only see him. It's all so heavy again, and for a moment you forget the brown and the blue and the light.

_This is what evil feels like, _you think.

7.

You deny any attempts the elder valkyrie make to teach you how to use your wings.

_Only angels should fly._

8.

You remember. Everything. You're alone, and this time your crying is silent. You let your wings out, let them strike the air as your heart anchors them.

9.

You return (after scaring the other young valkyrie who taunted you), and things are obviously strange because this is the third time you've gotten out of your car in front of Bo's. Your intentions were to find her and tell her about the Wanderer, but there is no sight of her each time you walk into her apartment.

10.

By the fifteenth time, you decide this is bullshit, find the nearest good-looking person and rip his clothes off.

_If this is hell, then I might as well enjoy myself._

11.

You enter for possibly the twentieth time to see her standing there – she's rambling about something to a stranger, and you blink a few times to make sure she's real. You say her name and she turns around, looking like a miracle. (As a valkyrie, you were always greeted as the opposite.)

So you walk right up to her and apologize, knowing that you will have to do it again, and you're willing to do so each and every time you have to repeat this night.

12.

She remembers, and you resist kissing her again.

_If Bo is with me_, you think, _then this couldn't be damnation. _

13.

You're slightly drunk and so is Bo, so when she kisses you in front of everyone, you tell yourself it's the holiday and the drinking and her needs as a succubus.

14.

Getting saved from a crazed Santa-wannabe is the last thing you expected, but there she is again, saving you.

_I'm scared. Really, really scared_, she confesses.

_You don't have to be. I've got you, _you tell her.

15.

You walk off once you remember that the Yule party is being celebrated by Light Fae.

You reach the end of the driveway and get in your car before you realize that Bo is Dark now, too. You quickly get out of your car and head back for her.

_Bo_, you say, walking toward her. She's staring straight ahead, her hands on a box. She doesn't respond, but she turns to face you once you're standing beside her, _Look, about tonight... Despite the whole, 'I almost became candy,' thing, I'm glad I spent it with you._

Once her lips are on yours, you feel the muscles beneath your shoulder blades stir. Any questions you had disappear once you part.

_You're shaking, _you say, running your hands up and down her arms.

She shakes your head, _I don't know what any of this means, _she says quickly before pulling you closer and kissing you again.

You expect her to start feeding off your chi, that this is out of desperation and her fear is making her crave anything, _anyone_.

_You are so important to me, _you confess as she pulls your jacket from your shoulders.

When you see how frightened she looks, you stroke her face and wish you had her ability to calm her, to love her and have that be enough.

You lean into her and claim her lips, and as she kisses you back, you discover a different kind of desperation, something human. She begins to unbutton your pants, and the muscles in your back loosen as you trace the skin on her spine and drag your hands up the back of her shirt.

You let yourself exist in it all, no rustled feathers. You let yourself believe you can fly away, and that right now you're intent on staying.

* * *

the end.


End file.
